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Its my turn now...Creating who I am...and doing things just for me... June 16 Its been way too long.......For whatever reason, I've really been feeling the need to blog about life lately...yet haven't actually taken the time to do so...I've been feeling stuck...in a rut...every time I see a motorcycle drive by...I get this ache...this need to feel the wind in my face...the freedom...I wish I could just climb on a bike and ride off...either that or just make the ache go away...but it gets stronger every day...I miss hanging out with Laura.....she's the first real female friend that I've had in so long....I miss going to the bar with her...just feeding off of her energy...just hanging out.....I miss trying new things....experiencing new things...seeing new things...I miss Hockey....I miss enjoying what I do for work...I used to love what I did...now its just something that I have to do to pass time...something to bring home a paycheck...I've been feeling lately that I got off course...lost my way...didn't have anything else to work towards...I think I've forgotten to dream...to find something that I want...and work towards it....its been a year since I graduated...and have I done anything towards getting my license? no...has it even bothered me that I hadn't? no...not until the last few weeks...I finally did something about it yesterday though...I talked to my boss...and I'll be working 4 days a week...long ass hours, but still just 4 days...I figure if I can get 2 hours a day study time when I work...then a full 8 hours on Friday...that I should be ready to take the exam by late August...that is if my application gets approved...once I start though, I have to finish...I was talking to my boss about the tests...and it reminded me of a bad MasterCard ad...
Application fee.........$145
Auditing & Attestation Exam Fee.......$209.33
Business Environment Exam Fee........$161.63
Financial Accounting Exam Fee.......$197.40
Regulations Exam Fee.......$173.55
Ignoring your boss when he says he'll pay for the exams if I'm willing to make a long term commitment to my current job..........priceless...
no...honestly...I just sort of ignored the comment and went on about the length of each exam...And seriously...what place makes an exam fee $209.33??? Maybe you have to be an accountant to appreciate the irony of not rounding it to $210??? But in all honesty? I'll be sending a check next week, assuming I can get a copy of my transcript that quickly, to apply to take the tests...and since I'm not willing to make that 'long term committment' that my boss wants...I'll be forking out the $886.91 to take the exams...good thing I really do love being an accountant...
Personally in my life things seem to be going really well...I've been dating Ken since earlier this year and he actually moved in with me a few weeks ago...I love him more than I thought I could love someone...I think that this is probably the first emotionally healthy relationship that I've ever been in...this is one part of my life that when I least expected it to happen...it finally got settled...I used to laugh when people would say "when you stop looking for love, it will find you"...well...when Ken found me...I wasn't looking....but I don't plan on giving it up either.....I thank God every day for allowing Ken to come into my life...and I know just what a blessing he is to me...because I lived with the complete opposite for way too long...
speaking of the opposite... my ex finally got his wife up here from the Philippines...and somehow its my job to make sure that she doesn't run screaming back home...or maybe its just everyone but my ex's job...who knows...but my kids seem to really adore her...however, I've found a touch of jealousy stemming from that...doesn't make sense...I've been begging for a break for a year and a half now...and I finally am getting it...and somehow it makes me a bit sad...I got some sick twisted satisfaction out of the idea that my kids liked me better than their dad...and now its not that way...I don't know if they like it better over there now...but hey...I can't compete with a swimming pool...a new SUV with a DVD player...and someone to spend all day every day with them....and I think that's what it all comes down to...there are just not enough hours in a day for me to work...and spend 8 hours with my kids...and still somehow not go insane...
I suppose this has just been a vent session for me today...I got this way last June too...a bit melancholy...feeling overwhelmed...somehow defeated....maybe it has to do with heading into my sign (me being a cancer and all) or maybe it just has to do with the fact that sometimes you just feel lost...and it takes feeling lost like this to really decide to change some things...in less than a month...I'll be turning 31...and I think that motorcycle riding lessons are exactly what I need to fix me all up.....
December 26 "Tell me about you..."I read this story...and thought about what my answer would be...so read the story, and then you can read my answer to this question, had it been presented to me...
"And so it was that in the presence of the free-range wasp colony, ice water with the freshest twist of lemon and a lunch of hummus on pita bread, this most unusual of creatures turned to me, full and attentive, sincere and with absolute meaning and said, "Tell me about you." "
So with that, I'll tell you about me... I am a mother...one who loves her children more than life itself...who wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have them in my life...and I would like to say that I thank God for them every day...but I have those days when I wish I could just be alone....just be without someone to take care of...just be without having to do laundry that wasn't really dirty, but when it gets shoved to the bottom of the laundry basket rather than being put away has become dirty by default...just be without the toys and clutter that seem to define children...I see those beautiful Christmas trees in the stores with the balls and lights, tinsel and ribbons...that look so precious...and think how would it be to have one of those trees...but then I remember that the mismatched ornaments that hang on my tree were made by two little sets of hands who only want my love...the paper chain is one child's handiwork...making pattern after pattern...green, yellow, red...green, yellow, red...repeating and ending with green...this childs favorite color...the ornaments that only go half way up the tree because thats as high as one child sees when he's hanging them up...never stopping to consider that they aren't evenly spaced...and it is when I see the handmade gifts from my kids...that I got to open up while they beamed and smiled so bright that they lit up the room...and it is then that I ask God for forgiveness...for ever thinking what it would be like without my angels...and I thank God for giving me my own angels to raise... I am a daughter...my parents raised me...and had I wanted to...I know that I could have gone to them with any problems I had...but all too often I didn't want to bother them...didn't want to add to their load...didn't want to disappoint them...didn't want to show them that I couldn't handle all that life threw at me...I know that they love me...and I know they worry about me...I know that there are things I do that disappoints them...but I know that they will love me always... I am a sister...I have 2 brothers...so often I have wanted to be just as strong as them...not to ever let my guard down...not ever let it show that I can't do everything that they can do...I've probably tried harder than alot of people for the 'right' to fit into their little group...just so that they would be proud of me...I think they are proud of me...each in his own way...sometimes I just wish that they would just hug me and tell me its ok to let my guard down sometimes...that they will love me no matter what...and I had to lean on one of my brothers a while back...and it was hard to let him see me when I was weak...but I did it...and maybe thats all it takes...is for one of us...to let down the guard enough to need the others...and I think that we've become closer since then...I also have 2 sisters...sisters I wouldn't have had if my brothers hadn't chosen them to marry...I am greatful...more than I can say for all that they do for me... I am a friend...I give my all to my friends...for those people who take the time to see whats below the surface...I give my heart, soul, entire self to them...I listen...I love...I worry about...and I try to help them...often at the expense of myself...and my own needs...maybe I need to be a friend to myself first and foremost... I am an entirely too independent woman...who has had too few people that I could truly depend on in my life...I've built up walls around my heart...afraid that if I let someone take care of me...emotionally...that I'll be left with nothing...the few people that I have given my heart to have given it back to me...usually worse for wear...but I get it back...and wonder why I gave it away in the first place...when I could have just dealt with it myself...forgotten I had a heart to begin with...but this is my problem...I want someone to want to take care of me...and yet I'm afraid that if I do...I will get left...and be alone...and wonder how in the hell I'm going to take care of things without them in my life... I am also moody, opinionated, and I'm seldom wrong...but when I am...I do apologize...I am a survivor...I am an intelligent woman...I am a Christian...I am a romantic...I am a sexy, passionate woman...I am so many different things...and one day I know that I will find one man to share my whole self with...to share my life with...and when that day comes...I know that I'll have found one amazing man...and together we will build one amazing life together...one that incorporates all of who we are into one life...thats a day I look forward to reaching...
I hope everyone has had a great holiday and that New Years is going to be good for you as well...reflect on what 2006 has brought you...and where you hope that 2007 will take you...its a pretty amazing thing to think of what we want out of life...and to actually achieve it... {{HUGS}} ~~SanDee~~ December 18 We got some snow!!We had some snow over the weekend...haven't had much snow in any amount for a long time...so my daughter had a blast playing in the snow over the weekend...so I thought I'd post a few pics...and just say hi to everyone...
I had a blast at the Hockey game...I'm slowly picking up on the rules...and just overall having fun...
Hope everyone has a Merry Christmas and a great New Years...that you are able to look upon the last year and find things that you've learned, things that you have yet to learn, but most of all...just learn to be happy...remember that happiness is a choice...you can't change what happens to you...but you can change how you react...
{{HUGS}}
~~SanDee~~ December 15 Tonight!!!Oh...I almost forgot...
I'm going to a hockey game tonight!!! I can't wait!!!!
I hope everyone else has a great weekend!!
~~SanDee~~ Quotes of the day...I have to post the quotes of the day...and some of todays quotes actually come from my horoscope...so it might ring true for other cancers too...
CANCER (Jun 21 - Jul 22): Your protective outer shell serves you well now as you bounce around in the winds of change, for there may not be any place to shelter you from the current turbulence. Just keep in mind that you are safe; you will survive as long as you don't bring too much attention to your soft spots. If you focus on your fears, you might make a bad judgment call in a panicky moment and cling on to something you really do not need.
Cancer If things are still not going smoothly for you and someone else, don't give up hope.
"Soul meets soul on lover's lips" Percy Bysshe Shelly
"It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness" Eleanor Roosevelt
"Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow" Helen Keller
"A problem is a chance for you to do your best" Duke Ellington
"Every tomorrow has two handles. We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety or the handle of faith" Henry Ward Beecher
"Take calculated risks. That is quite different from being rash" General George S Patton |
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